first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
