Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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