Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
