It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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