what day is it and did you see me today?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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