So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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