Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
