He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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