I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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