That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
