barbara walters just said penis...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
