The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
