I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
