I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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