He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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