peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
