I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
