The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
