My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
