My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
