When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
