five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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