My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
