At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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