Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
