The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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