Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
