If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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