the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
