So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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