I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
