as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Less talking, more tequila
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
