someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
