I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
