I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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