Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
