well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
