I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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