Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
