My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
