shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
