pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
