cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Sober January is a disaster.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
