my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Plan B is the new Plan A
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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