she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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