so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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