Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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