her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need to calm my uterus...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
