The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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