I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
