ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
